It’s been a while since the last time I posted something here. I have so much going on in my mind these past few weeks. Too much things happened I almost couldn’t handle the feeling all of them inside my head. It’s not even the end of the year yet but to sum it up from this January 2014 up till now I can relate that this year by far is the worst year I have ever experienced for these past twenty one year-one month-twelve days of my life. I don’t even know how I can still keep it up till now. Not to mention this very week on Saturday I will have an exam entrance of the BLCC (Bitung Logistic College Community), God help me…
What
were the things that have happened? So much I don’t even have the confident to
talk about it.
Usually,
every week I have something to anticipate for but not anymore, I feel so empty.
Why? My favorite Manga, “Naruto”, by Masashi Kishimoto, the series has ended,
and frankly speaking, it ended far from my expectation and I kind of feel
disappointed which I myself couldn’t even have a single idea how to explain
about it. I have a monotone life and a never-ending work to do and honestly the
only thing that always kept me going was the updates of the said Manga. What am
I to say? It’s over and I have yet to find way to cope with my life. The show
must go on, eh?
I
don’t know if this is necessary but I guess I just have to write it here since
I am not comfortable enough to talk about my feelings to others but still, I
don’t feel comfortable to write it down but according to psychology (or
whatever) I have to let out my feeling once for awhile because it’s not good to
keep all the feeling inside for too long. It’s true because I always kept my
feelings to myself. For me, saying to others about my personal problems are
sign that I am weak because I don’t like being weak in front of people, be it
my best friend. I don’t know, I just don’t like the idea of being negative and
weak because I am a strong woman who can stand on my own two feet. I don’t
practically believe on my own strength. I am a Jesus Christ follower and the
only thing that keeps me going is by praying, every single time of my life. I
don’t know what would happen to me without Him. I believe that if The Lord is
with me, who would stand against me?
The
only one I can talk to is by praying to The Lord, which is good, but I don’t
know that my right mind was taking on vacation, I exploded. Usually, I tended
to listen and give my opinion to friends that need help about their life, so
imagine the burdens I kept to myself. One day I didn’t know I kind of explode
unconsciously for every little thing everyone said to me. I became more
sensitive than usually, and it’s like seven times more sensitive than normally.
Normally, whatever people said, I would take it jokingly and wouldn’t even take
it to the heart but weeks ago, even unnecessary things I took it to the heart. Someone
couldn’t raise their voice an octave on me I would cry, seriously, and after
that I would blame myself for even doing it in the first place.
There
is this guy. We knew each other for about three years ago? He added me on
facebook as his friend. I accepted his request and instantly he sent me
message. Normally when it comes to strangers, I would ignore but not him. Average
people would say “Hi, how are you? Thank you for accepting my friend request.
Nice to know you and yada yada yada…” And they would annoy me because some
could seriously suffocate me from their never-ending useless conversation, and
again, not him. What was his first message? “Hey, first of all, thanks for
accepting my friend request, nice to know you. The reason why I added you is
because I saw that you are from Manado. I live in Salatiga and the university
where I went there are girls from Manado. Sure they are pretty af but from my
experience, they are all materialistic type of girls. So tell me, are all
Manado girls materialistic?” –There. I instantly felt intrigued and I cleared
one thing and two to him and our relationship surprisingly was great. I have
two sisters, older and younger, which makes me a middle child. One thing I knew
by knowing him is “Oh… So this is what it feels like having a big brother?” He
is so caring and all. He always pours his heart out on me about his life in
Salatiga. Our relationship is like a big brother and little sister. He would be
this protective on me and somehow I felt safe. So back to the exploding I did
weeks ago. After I realized of what happened and what I have done, I pour my
heart on him about it. To my luck, he is a studying psychology so he knows and
tells me that I should be more open and all. I agreed with him but then again,
being open to people makes me appear weak so I was hesitated about the idea. Then
I remembered about this blog, tsk.
There
is also this guy. As I mentioned above, about strangers being annoying, the
hell out of me but not this one. He lives in Batam. What intrigued me about him
is his English skill being 18 years old. He is a nice kid with perfect English.
After several hours of our interesting English conversation, he revealed that
he once went to school in Thailand and Singapore that’s where his English came
from. He is polite and knows his place. He also is a caring person being
younger than me, and then a thought came to my mind, “Ah, so this is what it
feels like having a younger brother?” I love him (not in a romantic way, but in
a brotherly way).
There
is also this friend of mine. He is originally my elementary friend. We went to
different school after that and we met again on a reunion. We exchange contact
information so we can communicate. We are actually not that close until that
reunion. We all joked about silly things and he drove me back to my house.
After that we met again frequent and always joking each other and he started to
become protective which I don’t find it annoying, kinda cute actually. He is
older by months from me and I feel safe around him. He has girlfriend but he
just knows how to divide his attention on his girlfriend and on me. His
girlfriend knew about me being his friend from elementary but after what he
said about our nicknamed to each other she kind of jealous, which is cute. If I
were that girl, I would be jealous too if my boyfriend has a special
relationship with another girl, calling each other “abang” and “neng”. Who
wouldn’t? Pfft, but yeah… I love those kinds of guys.
However,
the only person I am comfortable to talk about my heart out was the first guy
from Salatiga. Since he is not a judgmental person and knows about psychology,
I trust him. I said about my sensitivity meter going crazy and I would either
talk back to others who pissed me off or cry when others raised their voice an
octave on me. He laughed! He said it was normal and I don’t need to worry since
he said that I tended to keep everything on me, because there are times where
we couldn’t keep our feelings any longer and we would have no choice but to
explode.
I
realize that I have serious problem with being secretive and always wearing
this happy-go-lucky mask just to cover my weakness. I want to always spark my
positive energies to others, I just did and I think it happens unconsciously. I
love being positive and happy surrounding.
What
else to write?
Okay,
about love life. I went to Modoinding, my grandma’s hometown. My auntie (mom’s
little sister) and her family live there with grandma. My uncle (my auntie’s
husband) died in an accident. It broke my heart because I love him, and he was
so kind, so many people came to his funeral. Long story short, I met my exes
there. There was this ex, we talked and all and he asked my contact
information. I gave it to him and after I went back to my town (Bitung), we
started talking again and reminisce. I found out that his relationship with his
ex had ended and he had been single for months. At first, he gave hints about
him still have likings toward me. I couldn’t deny him because I actually seek
beauties and I’d be damned if I lied about him being a fine af. He is handsome,
and he looks like a celebrity in the country, it’s just his skin is lighter
than the guy on the TV. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes.
We were dating before when we were in high school and it was a distance
relationship. We were still too immature about it so we split so I didn’t find
it wrong to give him a chance. I am older by seven months than him. He was cool
and all but I don’t know how we split again. Maybe it was because he promised
to visit me sometimes (he goes to college in Tondano and I work in Bitung,
about two hours drive), but we were both too busy about it so I found no reason
to be in a relationship. Honestly, I kind of afraid being committed to someone,
it means that I have freedom no more, what not me being a free soul.
We
are in a normal relationship right now so it’s okay.
I
will write again tomorrow. I am too sleepy to think right now.
To
be continued…
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