Pouring nonsense, I see...

It’s been a while since the last time I posted something here. I have so much going on in my mind these past few weeks. Too much things happened I almost couldn’t handle the feeling all of them inside my head. It’s not even the end of the year yet but to sum it up from this January 2014 up till now I can relate that this year by far is the worst year I have ever experienced for these past twenty one year-one month-twelve days of my life. I don’t even know how I can still keep it up till now. Not to mention this very week on Saturday I will have an exam entrance of the BLCC (Bitung Logistic College Community), God help me…

What were the things that have happened? So much I don’t even have the confident to talk about it.

Usually, every week I have something to anticipate for but not anymore, I feel so empty. Why? My favorite Manga, “Naruto”, by Masashi Kishimoto, the series has ended, and frankly speaking, it ended far from my expectation and I kind of feel disappointed which I myself couldn’t even have a single idea how to explain about it. I have a monotone life and a never-ending work to do and honestly the only thing that always kept me going was the updates of the said Manga. What am I to say? It’s over and I have yet to find way to cope with my life. The show must go on, eh?

I don’t know if this is necessary but I guess I just have to write it here since I am not comfortable enough to talk about my feelings to others but still, I don’t feel comfortable to write it down but according to psychology (or whatever) I have to let out my feeling once for awhile because it’s not good to keep all the feeling inside for too long. It’s true because I always kept my feelings to myself. For me, saying to others about my personal problems are sign that I am weak because I don’t like being weak in front of people, be it my best friend. I don’t know, I just don’t like the idea of being negative and weak because I am a strong woman who can stand on my own two feet. I don’t practically believe on my own strength. I am a Jesus Christ follower and the only thing that keeps me going is by praying, every single time of my life. I don’t know what would happen to me without Him. I believe that if The Lord is with me, who would stand against me?

The only one I can talk to is by praying to The Lord, which is good, but I don’t know that my right mind was taking on vacation, I exploded. Usually, I tended to listen and give my opinion to friends that need help about their life, so imagine the burdens I kept to myself. One day I didn’t know I kind of explode unconsciously for every little thing everyone said to me. I became more sensitive than usually, and it’s like seven times more sensitive than normally. Normally, whatever people said, I would take it jokingly and wouldn’t even take it to the heart but weeks ago, even unnecessary things I took it to the heart. Someone couldn’t raise their voice an octave on me I would cry, seriously, and after that I would blame myself for even doing it in the first place.

There is this guy. We knew each other for about three years ago? He added me on facebook as his friend. I accepted his request and instantly he sent me message. Normally when it comes to strangers, I would ignore but not him. Average people would say “Hi, how are you? Thank you for accepting my friend request. Nice to know you and yada yada yada…” And they would annoy me because some could seriously suffocate me from their never-ending useless conversation, and again, not him. What was his first message? “Hey, first of all, thanks for accepting my friend request, nice to know you. The reason why I added you is because I saw that you are from Manado. I live in Salatiga and the university where I went there are girls from Manado. Sure they are pretty af but from my experience, they are all materialistic type of girls. So tell me, are all Manado girls materialistic?” –There. I instantly felt intrigued and I cleared one thing and two to him and our relationship surprisingly was great. I have two sisters, older and younger, which makes me a middle child. One thing I knew by knowing him is “Oh… So this is what it feels like having a big brother?” He is so caring and all. He always pours his heart out on me about his life in Salatiga. Our relationship is like a big brother and little sister. He would be this protective on me and somehow I felt safe. So back to the exploding I did weeks ago. After I realized of what happened and what I have done, I pour my heart on him about it. To my luck, he is a studying psychology so he knows and tells me that I should be more open and all. I agreed with him but then again, being open to people makes me appear weak so I was hesitated about the idea. Then I remembered about this blog, tsk.

There is also this guy. As I mentioned above, about strangers being annoying, the hell out of me but not this one. He lives in Batam. What intrigued me about him is his English skill being 18 years old. He is a nice kid with perfect English. After several hours of our interesting English conversation, he revealed that he once went to school in Thailand and Singapore that’s where his English came from. He is polite and knows his place. He also is a caring person being younger than me, and then a thought came to my mind, “Ah, so this is what it feels like having a younger brother?” I love him (not in a romantic way, but in a brotherly way).

There is also this friend of mine. He is originally my elementary friend. We went to different school after that and we met again on a reunion. We exchange contact information so we can communicate. We are actually not that close until that reunion. We all joked about silly things and he drove me back to my house. After that we met again frequent and always joking each other and he started to become protective which I don’t find it annoying, kinda cute actually. He is older by months from me and I feel safe around him. He has girlfriend but he just knows how to divide his attention on his girlfriend and on me. His girlfriend knew about me being his friend from elementary but after what he said about our nicknamed to each other she kind of jealous, which is cute. If I were that girl, I would be jealous too if my boyfriend has a special relationship with another girl, calling each other “abang” and “neng”. Who wouldn’t? Pfft, but yeah… I love those kinds of guys.

However, the only person I am comfortable to talk about my heart out was the first guy from Salatiga. Since he is not a judgmental person and knows about psychology, I trust him. I said about my sensitivity meter going crazy and I would either talk back to others who pissed me off or cry when others raised their voice an octave on me. He laughed! He said it was normal and I don’t need to worry since he said that I tended to keep everything on me, because there are times where we couldn’t keep our feelings any longer and we would have no choice but to explode.

I realize that I have serious problem with being secretive and always wearing this happy-go-lucky mask just to cover my weakness. I want to always spark my positive energies to others, I just did and I think it happens unconsciously. I love being positive and happy surrounding.

What else to write?

Okay, about love life. I went to Modoinding, my grandma’s hometown. My auntie (mom’s little sister) and her family live there with grandma. My uncle (my auntie’s husband) died in an accident. It broke my heart because I love him, and he was so kind, so many people came to his funeral. Long story short, I met my exes there. There was this ex, we talked and all and he asked my contact information. I gave it to him and after I went back to my town (Bitung), we started talking again and reminisce. I found out that his relationship with his ex had ended and he had been single for months. At first, he gave hints about him still have likings toward me. I couldn’t deny him because I actually seek beauties and I’d be damned if I lied about him being a fine af. He is handsome, and he looks like a celebrity in the country, it’s just his skin is lighter than the guy on the TV. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. We were dating before when we were in high school and it was a distance relationship. We were still too immature about it so we split so I didn’t find it wrong to give him a chance. I am older by seven months than him. He was cool and all but I don’t know how we split again. Maybe it was because he promised to visit me sometimes (he goes to college in Tondano and I work in Bitung, about two hours drive), but we were both too busy about it so I found no reason to be in a relationship. Honestly, I kind of afraid being committed to someone, it means that I have freedom no more, what not me being a free soul.

We are in a normal relationship right now so it’s okay.

I will write again tomorrow. I am too sleepy to think right now.

To be continued…

Going Ink

I'm sooo gonna make myself tattoos in languages.

Hebrew :
אָבִינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַיִם יִתְקַדֵּשׁ שִׁמְךָ׃
תָּבּוֹא מַלְכוּתֶךָ יֵעָשֶׂה רְצוֹנְךָ
כְּבַשָׁמַיִם כֵּן בָּאָרֶץ׃
אֶת־לֶחֶם חוּקֵּנוּ תֵּן־לָנוּ הַיּוֹם׃
וּסְלַח־לָנוּ עַל חֲטָּאֵינוּ
כְּמוֹ שֶׁסּוֹלְחִים גָם אֲנַחְנוּ לַחוֹטְּאִים לָנוּ
וְאַל־תְּבִיאֵנוּ לִידֵי נִסָּיוֹן
כִּי אִם־חַלְּצֵנוּ מִן־הָרָע
כִּי לְךָ הַמַּמְלָכָה וְהַגְּבוּרָה וְהַתִּפְאֶרֶת
לְעוֹלְמֵי עוֹלָמִים אָמֵן(Our Father)

Japanese :  
天にましますわれらの父よ、
願わくは御名の尊まれんことを、
御国の来たらんことを、
御旨〔みむね〕の天に行わるる如く
地にも行われんことを。
われらの日用の糧を
今日〔こんにち〕われらに与え給え。
われらが人に赦す如く、
われらの罪を赦し給え。
われらを試みに引き給わざれ、
われらを悪より救い給え。
(Our Father)





Greek :
Χριστός 
(Christian)



Arab :

مسيحي
(Followers of the Messiah)

Hindi :
ईसाई
(Christian)



Chinese : 
基督徒
(Christian)

Alter Ego

After knowing about ALTER EGO, and tried to find what is it, I was like, "Ah..." I have like, three. I have my other me, my other selves, and I switched to one another without I even realize it.

What is Alter Ego? Well, according to Wikipedia, Alter Ego is;

An alter ego (Latin, "the other I") (disguised) is a second self, which is believed to be distinct from a person's normal or original personality. A person who has an alter ego is said to lead a double life. The term appeared in common usage in the early 19th century when dissociative identity disorder was first described by psychologists. Cicero was the first to coin the term as part of his philosophical construct in 1st century Rome, but he described it as "a second self, a trusted friend".

A distinct meaning of alter ego can be found in literary analysis, wherein it describes characters in different works who are psychologically similar, or a fictional character whose behavior, speech or thoughts intentionally represent those of the author. It's also used to design the best friend of another character in a story. Similarly, the term alter ego may be applied to the role or persona taken on by an actor or by other types of performers.

The existence of "another self" was first recognized in the 1730s. Anton Mesmer used hypnosis to separate the alter ego. These experiments showed a behavior pattern that was distinct from the personality of the individual when he was in the waking state compared to when he was under hypnosis. Another character had developed in the altered state of consciousness but in the same body.

Alter ego is also used to refer to the different behaviors any person may display in certain situations. Related concepts include avatar, doppelgänger, impersonator, and Dissociative identity disorder (DID).

I have three of me. I don't know which one is the original me, and I can't decide.

1. Say hi to the 1st me. I haven't found a suitable name yet, so I will mention her as the "1st" me. So, the first me is; Calm, Cool, I-don't-care person, don't really want to talk, loves to stay inside my room, most likely to be an anti-social person, and sleep. The first me is like, I am the me who want to only be alone and only want to associate with my only self. I hate skin contact!

2. Say hi to the 2nd me. Just like the 1st me, I still don't have a good name yet so is the 3rd. I will think about them later. So the 2nd me, she is a social girl, loves to gather along with my friends. The 2nd me is like, I am a social person, loves to associate with others. I am so cheerful, and what you can say... A happy-go-lucky girl. I am persistence. If I like it now, I will get it now. I am an optimistic. If I think about something I want, I am sure that I will get it. If I want something, I will do any sane thing to get it until I get a hold of it. However, I am an easily bored person so if I am bored about it, I will leave it there. Also, if I want to do something, I tend to do it until the end. That is a good point.

3. Say hi to the 3rd me. This girl is still unnamed. So the 3rd me is a little spoiled. I love clinging to others. This is so not me since the 1st me doesn't like skin contact with others. The 3rd me like to tease people so much, a real flirtatious to whatever, I can even flirting with the trees. So coquettish and something like that.

Those three are my alter egos. Still have no idea which one is the real me. I can switch to the others according to the mood, the place, and time.

TIMNAS Indonesia VS Malaysia

As a gratitude for our badass TIMNAS a.k.a Tim Nasional (National Team) last night, March 6th 2014, for winning against Malaysia, 3 points for Indonesia and 0 point for Malaysia, I'm wearing the TIMNAS's jersey. It's red and a little green with the GARUDA on the chest, oh damn I like it!


Here's the highlight of the Team.

Random Photo

I asked my little sister to take me some pictures from her tablet after Sunday Service, since I wear nice outfit, I guess, so why not a random picture?

I think I might have so much different angles that sometimes I look like this, and sometimes I look like that... Idk...

This picture was taken just this morning... (it's twelve-ish am in my area so...)

Here they said that I look like Aura Kasih (one of those Indonesia's Actresses), and some said I look like the combined of Shakira X Selena Gomez.

Just...
What the eff???

One of those who said that I look like Aura Kasih, once said that I look like Hyuna Kim (one of those Korean Idols)
Here's the picture...

Really?

There was a picture of me (I lost the picture, sigh) where I was posed with a candy on me and one of my friend said that I looked like Nikita Willy (also one of Indonesia's Actresses). Idk, maybe that guy needed glasses. However, it wasn't my first picture that people said that I looked like Nikita.

I stared at my mirror and wonder, what the hell??

Oh!
There is a picture of me, where they said that I looked like...
Who???
Check it out first,

 

They said that I looked like Raisa (one of those Indonesia's singers).

I sighed, and desperate that I have no original face, or copyright, or what should I say it... 

Sigh...

Rest in Peace...

"God looked around His garden and found an empty space. Then He looked down upon this earth and saw your tired face. He put His arms around you and lifted you to rest. God's garden must be beautiful. He only takes the best."

Rest In Peace, our beloved little brother in Jesus Christ, Filemon Bawataa, which is also one and only brother of our beloved friend Chika Jessica.

We will pray for you and your family. God has a reason to all that He does, may be this time He decided for your little brother so that he can take rest however, he will always be a part of our thoughts and will be cherished in our heart. Please accept my deepest condolence to you and your family in the loss of your little brother which we already consider as our own brother. God bless...

Paradox

1. Pinocchio paradox.
If he says that it will grow, but it doesn't, he's lying, but it grows when he lies, so he'd be telling the truth, but his nose still grew while he told the truth.

2. Crocodile dilemma.
A slim crocodile living in the Nile took a child. His mother begged to have him back. The crocodile could not only talk, but was also great sophist and stated, "If you guess correctly what I will do with him, I will return him. However, if you don't predict his fate correctly, I'll eat him." What statement should the mother make to save her child?

3. The Grandmotherless girl.
A girl goes into the past and kills her Grandmother. Since her Grandmother is dead, the girl was never born. If she were never born, she never killed her grandmother.

4. Yes or No?
Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be 'no'?

5. This sentence is false.
If "this sentence s false" is true, then the sentence is false, which would in turn mean that it is actually true, but this would mean that it is false, and so on and infinitum. Similarly, if "this sentence is false" is false, then the sentence is true, which would in turn mean that it is actually false, but this would mean that it is true, and so on and infinitum.